Archive for February, 2010

Men Shouldn’t Be Jealous

February 25, 2010 3 comments

I’m kind of a fan of meeting girls that introduce me to their guy friends. 90% of the time those guys are thinking about what exactly my intentions are with their female friend. It’s funny because I’m thinking generally the same thing they were thinking when they first met the young lady.

I’m thinking about her naked… I’m thinking about what it would be like to hear her moan my name… I’m thinking about her in the shower with myself and a detachable shower head etc.

Now, this guy might be a genuine friend with pure intentions or he could be some dude who couldn’t close the deal. So he basically migrated into this world of being her guy friend. The other day I meet a very attractive young lady. We flirt a little back and forth and the whole time I’m thinking of how to get her number without her guy friend around. She probably won’t give it to me if he’s around because I’m sure she knows he is into her. Eventually he runs off to grab a drink or something. She was this sexy little creole girl from Mississippi. I’ll call her Cleo:

Me: So now that your friend is gone, let me see your phone.

Cleo: Why, what are you going to do?

Me: Well… I’m leaving soon and I need to see you again. So I’m going to put my number in your phone and I’ll leave it up to you as to when you want to hit me up.

Cleo: [Smile]

As soon as I finished putting my number in her phone and strategically call myself (HA!), Captain Goofy Nuts comes back and see’s me with her phone. I look up at him with a little smirk and hand her the phone back. He kind of gives me this look and I walk off. The night goes on and I’m debating on sending her some random goofy text. I decide not to and what do you know, she sends me a text to remind me of who she is. Yea, I had a big smile on. I wait a couple minutes and respond with some cute goofy shit that makes her smile from across the room.

The following day I call her and we chat for a bit. We made plans to go to dinner in a couple of days. The night comes and we ended up having a great dinner. Although, I was a little disappointed in her… She gave up alcohol for lint?! I’m pretty confident in my “game” and I don’t need alcohol to get laid, but it helps… A LOT. I have a sometimes stressful career, I get lazy and I don’t really want to put in work to get some. Insert a couple of shots of whatever liquor and it’s a home run from there.

We part ways and everything was simple and quite adorable if I do say so myself. Did the whole gentleman thing and walked her to a cab, opened the door for her. Kept it cool with a kiss on the cheek. Mainly because I’m determined to ravage her vagina the next time around. She’s hot and there is no rushing. But then the fucking unthinkable happens! I get a text from her a couple days later asking me to delete her number because the guy she was with the night we met was asking questions about me.

Uhh… I didn’t respond. I was actually knee-deep in work at the time and didn’t want to get side-tracked by some immature shit like a “guy friend” or whatever.

People need to step it up and let people know how they feel. I know it’s hard but earlier in my life I played that game and was that guy. I woke up and decided that it got me NOWHERE but alone at night with my dick in my hand. I’m not saying it’s a walk in the park to express your feelings for someone. But shit… Figure it out! Grab your nuts and tell a chick you want to be with her or bang her or whatever. I refuse, repeat, REFUSE to be some chicks accessory to drag around.

Now would be the perfect time to go out with her again and not care about the outcome. Therefor increasing my chances of plowing through her vaginal cavity. At that point I’m determined anything more than casual sex would irritate the shit out of me because of her friendship with the other guy and their combined immaturity.

Categories: Women Tags: , , ,

DC Randomness

February 22, 2010 Leave a comment

My new project has me in Washington DC, no more Upstate New York for me. This is my first time here and I must say… I’m having some fun. I’d be lying to you if I said I was not nursing a two-day hangover. For the first time in a long time, Patron has me out of commission.

I drink it a lot and I know when I’m drinking some good Patron or bad Patron. I sensed that the drinks I was having on Saturday were bad, but I let the chicks around me blind me from switching to something easier, like beer. My first rookie mistake of the year. Now let’s make sure that it never happens again.

I’ve been here for a little over a week now and amazingly I tackled my first vagina within the first couple of days. You want to hear about it? Of course you do:

Happy Tuesday to me! The first bar I walk into I see a young lady by herself at the bar. She was on her phone and as I walked by, we caught eyes. We actually caught eyes a couple times throughout my first drink. After small talking with the bartender, he introduces her to me and we start to chop it up for a few minutes. To be honest, she was an attractive girl but I was not into her. She kept me interested for the most part because she had a nice body. If anything I could try to smash it out and ignore the fact that she has the most annoying laugh… EVER. I’m kind of a dork when I talk to chicks, the fastest way to a chicks heart next to cooking for them is laughter.

Write that shit down… There will be a test later.

So I’m making her laugh and cringing every time she does so. We decide to go to another bar. She mentions to me that I need to catch up on drinks because she’s got 3 more on me. Awesome… She’s a drinker. Some panties are definitely coming off tonight. I’m a fan of reading body language and the signs that she’s down to get down. Aside from making jokes, I like to do the best thing ever and also act like I’m not too interested in her. I mean… Because I’m not. I’m more interested in seeing if she shaved her box more than who she is or what she’s trying to do with her life. I truthfully have selective hearing. I pay close attention to keywords in the conversation:

Catch up on drinks

I wanted to go out alone and see the town

I’m fine with being by myself

I’m staying kind of far from here

I lived in Brasil for a year

Other than what is stated above, I have no fucking idea what this chick was about. All of the sentences above helped me form a simple conclusion about this chick. Basically she’s going to fuck tonight and I should just sit back and wait for the right time to say, let’s go back to my room. After I order 3 more Patrons on the rocks throughout the night, she asks’ for more Sapphire Tonics. Yea, well… She kind of disappeared for a few in the restroom after her 3rd drink. I thought to myself, this can’t be making a turn for the worse right now. My sure-fire bang session might have just fell through my fingertips.

A couple of chicks who were sitting across from me, who were really hot, decided to check on the girl for me. I guess they noticed that she was missing for some time. Which was kind of annoying because if I would have noticed THAT. I probably would have taken a trip over to their table. But after some thinking at the time, I decided to NOT be a dick and just leave this chick hanging. It’s crazy, I know… How does one grow a heart when he’s knee-deep in Patron and vagina? She eventually comes out of the restroom and apologizes for basically puking and leaving me hanging.

I laugh it off primarily because it happens to all of us. I really wasn’t too concerned with her puking. I knew I wasn’t going to kiss her though.

She mentions to me that she’s ready for round 2 at another bar. I kind of laugh it off almost as if I was saying “yeah right”. We start to walk back towards my hotel and she’s just talking and laughing and talking and laughing. At this point I just smile and nod and make sure I’m heading in the right direction. We eventually make it back to my hotel room and she’s still annoying me with her laugh. But I can’t just ditch her. I genuinely care about her wellbeing so I tell her to just relax with me so she could sober up. We lay on my bed to watch a movie and halfway through the movie I realize that I’m not annoyed enough to not have sex with her. Haha! Love it.

After about 30 – 45min of the movie that I was actually into I start to unbutton her shirt. She smiles and just leans back to leave me to undressing her. Then after I’m playing with her tits, she does the unexpected… I thought she was going to kiss my neck but she lunges out to kiss me. Ahh, shit… I just made-out with vomit mouth. And yes, I could taste what she ate earlier. I immediately played it cool and pushed her back. The pants come down and now I’m balls deep in her vagine. Thank you to half a bottle of Patron I consumed earlier in the night because I was fucking for a good 45 min. I must say… That’s a personal best for me this year.

Also, she was just as annoying when getting pounded.

She tries to leave right after and then the nice side of me came out again. I told her to relax and just sleep off the alcohol. I didn’t really want her to go home so late by herself… AND, I like morning sex. But when I woke up the morning after, I realized how annoying she was and just acted like I was sleep when she left.

Fun times.

Vagina Slugging Percentage

February 13, 2010 Leave a comment

2010 is definitely the year for Sports. We have the Super Bowl just passed (which was bullshit). We’re now into the first day of the Winter Olympics. Next month Manny “Pac-Man” Pacquioa will fight Joshua Clottey, Floyd “Money” Mayweather will fight “Sugar” Shane Mosley. Let us not forget the grand daddy of all major sporting events with the FIFA World Cup in South Africa!! Then there is the NBA Finals and NHL Finals (which will include the LA Kings!).

With all of that said, there is only one place I’d rather be during any if not all of those major events… The place is Las Vegas, Nevada. The State of Nevada has done a great job Marketing Las Vegas. We all know the slogan “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”. That city breeds weirdness of the best kind. In that town, anyone with the right attitude can get laid. I’ve personally built up a pretty good Vagina Slugging Percentage there (VSP).

Primarily because a good majority of girls that go to Vegas are trying to get down. Even those that are in big groups and swear “it’s just going to be a girls trip”. Love it. Because I’m such a stickler on my percentages, I don’t do too many Vegas trips. I keep them down to about 1 trip every Quarter. I don’t want to bore myself by going to much and I don’t want to lose that flare that I get every time I land in the big city of lights. That’s the town where you really have to go big every time… Because there is not reason not to. You’ve got to come Mentally, Physically and Financially ready to let it all hang out.

Mentally – You need to set some goals ahead of time and prepare yourself for them. Me… I go to drink my nuts off and meet chicks. A week or two out, I’m banging out some 5’s and 6’s to build my stamina and confidence for the 7’s and above. When the day of reckoning comes and we check into our rooms, my next mission is to drop my gear and head for to the closest bar. Helpful tip – You can drink in public in Vegas. You’ll know who I am on The Strip if you see a guy with a bottle of Grey Goose in one hand and a bottle of Orange Juice in the other.

Physically – I like to workout but the last place I really care about someone seeing my body is in Vegas. I’m not up early enough to go to the pool and in the evening I’m not sober enough to put on a show for some chick. What I mean about being Physically read, I mean getting your body into peak drinking shape. There is always heavy drinking in Vegas. Stick to one type of liquor and pound that bitch back for a few weeks up to your trip to get your body on the same page. After a couple of week of straight Jameson on the rock or with a smash of water. You’re ready to take on any Irish fuck. Helpful tip – Don’t mix your liquors. Pick something and stay with it, whether it’s beer, liquor or wine. You start migrating over to different shit your liable to pass out with a random midget stripper and wake up with a funnel in your ass and a piercing on your dick. Believe me… I know… Don’t ask how I know.

Financially – I learned a long time ago that spending money on girls at bars is useless. I like to do it sometimes, just to be nice. Not because I’m trying to bang her but probably because I feel sorry for her. Like if all of her friends are talking to guys and there is the one random ugly chick by herself. I’ll buy her a drink just cause she’s ugly… It’s cool, she’ll get her’s one day and she will think of me. Anyways… You need to be ready to spend some cheese getting into clubs and parties where chicks will be at. Let’s face it… If you don’t have a nice pair of tits in Vegas or wearing a chain that’s worth more than a midwest Mansion. You’re not going to get in anywhere. Be ready to grease some palms with a $20, $50 and sometimes $100. Then also get ready to pop bottles. In my opinion, nothings better in Vegas than sitting at a booth with some friends and popping bottles. It’s cleaner, makes a lot of sense once you calculate how much you’re going to spend anyway and chicks are drawn to guys who have free-flowing alcohol within arms reach. Also, I’m always dressed nice… If some dip shit spills a drink on me on the dance floor or at the bar, it’s going to ruin my night. Why take that chance? Sit the fuck down and let the people come to you and your friends.

My last trip to Vegas it was just me and my best friend who had tickets to the Pacquioa vs. Hatton fight. We ended up at LAX with Bottle Service. After we were seated, I scurried over to the bouncer controlling our area and asked for him to bring chicks to us. He was a huge success and he made a couple extra bucks that night.

Vegas… I’m due for a trip.

Don’t Apologize

February 11, 2010 Leave a comment

My two cents… Don’t apologize, just run with it. You’ve already said some shit that you can’t take back. Go on a rampage and pound as much black vagina as possible. Show the world you’re not racist. But the first box has to be a good one. You can’t just smash out any ol’ random black chick. It’s gotta be good!

I’m thinking a long the lines of Operah. Can you imagine if John Mayer smashed out Operah? There would be nothing else to talk about. Everyone would applaud him. Or he can take down Rhianna, she’s still vulnerable.

Categories: Music, Women Tags: , , ,

#RealHipHop x Emilio Rojas – This Is Hip Hop

February 11, 2010 Leave a comment

Small Fucking World (Part 2)

February 9, 2010 Leave a comment

Alright so check out Part 1 first if you like, just so you’re caught up.

Me: Hey, so how do you know my Friend and Jerkface again?

Her: Oh, from like friends of friends. We all met awhile back.

Me: Uhhh… That’s all?

At this point I think she knew what I was getting at. I mean, she knew that those guys were my friends.

Her: Well, we did some stuff.

Her: But that was at a point in my life where I was really fucked up and I’m passed all of that now.

Me: (Silent)

Her: I hope that this doesn’t change anything between us… If it does, then I understand and it was nice meeting you and spending a little time together.

Me: I need to call you back

For some odd reason I was genuinely hurt but then confused. I had no reason to feel any pain… I had no reason to be confused. She hit a rough period in her life where she pretty much let dudes run trains on her. But who was I to judge her for that? I really had feeling for this girl.

Eventually I call her back and we talk a little more. I tell her straight up that it is what it is. We brush it under the rug and we go on with our lives together. We stayed in contact when I went to college. Over the years we would hangout and everything but I could never manage to have sex with her. Believe it or else, at that point in my life I was nowhere near the Man Whore I am to this day. I’d maybe had sex with like 4 or 5 different girls. A couple were girlfriends and a couple were not.

We eventually grow apart and after a few different cell numbers and addresses, she was lost in the wind. Until I moved to a new neighborhood… One day at my new house, I decided to wash my truck. Halfway through this whole process comes along the girl who lived directly across the street from me. We smiled here and there throughout the summer but I never actually spoke to her, until that day.

After a couple of conversations that week, I come to find out that this girl is best friends with the girl who got pounded by my buddies. Yes, best friends with her. Weird, I know. So she starts to tell me how she’s doing, turns out that she has a kid now and is engaged. I’m super happy for her and I tell the friend to relay that message to her. I start to hangout with the girl across the street and her man throughout the summer and the husband starts to tell me that the girl won’t stop talking about me and how she’s too nervous to actually stop by anymore to see them.

Let’s be honest… I get that ALL THE TIME with girls. It’s mind bottling (yes I did that on purpose). Ok, I’m kidding.

So I tell my neighbors husband to just tell her to stop by. If she’s uncomfortable with it, then so be it. But I’m going back to college in a few weeks. They relay the message to the girl and randomly a couple days later, she shows up. Oh man… When I tell you she looked good, I mean she looked good. Wasn’t by any means “done up”. Just in jeans a t-shirt and hair pulled back. I find myself drawn more to chicks when they’re in laid back gear… I blame all the years of sports.

We start to talk and catch up on things. Now I know she’s got a man now but I’m not worried about it. Honestly I was not worried because I knew that I was not going to do anything with her. She was hot and all but I’m not in favor of breaking up households… At that time.

A few days before I leave back to college, she invites me over to her place to hangout. Yea, well… We had sex and it was about 3 or 4 years worth of built up frustration that filled the room accompanied by the smell of balls and ass. I actually went back to college and was kind of mad at myself for waiting so long to have sex with her. Needless to say, it was amazing.

Before I go I’ll leave you with this… The guy she was engaged to (probably now married to) at the time. Is a guy I went to High School with and used to pick on because he was a little prick. We played football together and I use to make fun of him on the field. Ahh yeaaa… Those were the days.

Take that fucker.

Categories: Dating, Relationships, Women

#RealHipHop – Emilio Rojas Fresstyle x B Side Radio

February 9, 2010 Leave a comment

Listen to me very closely… This. Dude. Is. Ill.

You man now get back to your regularly scheduled bullshit.